Three Reasons We Shame One Another, And Why We Should Stop.

Anemone123/Pixabay

In the therapy world, our ears become attuned to our own distinct language, one that we sometimes forget is our own. We throw around terminology like “transgenerational trauma” and “stress mechanisms” and forget that the rest of the world doesn’t routinely speak that way. We insulate ourselves with these terms, and tend to understand one another from the lens that is therapy-speak.

As a result, we sometimes also become hyper-sensitive to the rough-and-tumble language of the general public, the gruff verbiage that is thrown around all around us. The language of 2019 American zeitgeist is shame-laden, and unapologetically so. It’s everywhere, it’s getting worse, and, to the sensitive ears of this therapist, it’s an unhealthy mess.

At brunch the other week, I overheard (read: eavesdropped on) a conversation between a college student and his father, who were seated behind me. The kid was explaining, in a sheepish tone, that he wanted to quit a part-time job in order to keep his grades up, which had been slipping. This was due, at least in part, to the fact that apparently he worked not just one but three jobs in order to support himself while in school. The student sounded insecure and unsure of himself: “I keep getting sick and I’m getting a C; I don’t know if I should try to keep it up or…?”. It was heartbreaking to hear.

His father listened attentively, and took a bite of pancakes. He then responded with…I’m serious here…”Waaaaah! Waaaah! Call a wambulance!” (Ok, so, real quick – do people actually say this? Is this a thing? Do they not recognize how unbelievably dorky this sounds?).  Dad then explained how he had worked to get himself through school, and how it had sucked and been awful for him, and that naturally his son needed to “suck it up” and do the same thing. The kid stopped talking after that,  and instead became very intent on eating his eggs.

Guys, I hate “suck it up.” I hate “snowflake” and “you’re just too sensitive” and “just deal with it.” I definitely hate the “wambulance.” What is going on that we feel the need to be so hard on ourselves, and on each other?

Using Shaming Language as a Motivational Tool

In the therapy room, clients often cite bullying themselves as a technique they use to inspire motivation. Like this: “I really want to go to the gym every day, so I need to remind myself to get my butt in gear, stop being such a wimp, and just do it. Stop crying about it. Other people can do it, so why can’t I?”.  And so on.

Here’s the problem with this: We may think that all this sucking up is going to amount to increased motivation and performance, but we’re wrong. As I’ve said before, shame is not a good motivator for change. In fact, the use of shaming language is often a catalyst for change in the opposite direction – that is, creating the exact result that we so sorely wanted to avoid in the first place. When working with individuals with anxiety and panic, I see this frequently: a decrease in symptoms of panic when the individual is kind, compassionate, and patient with themselves and their experience of anxiety, and escalating symptoms of panic when the individual bullies themselves, or is made fun of by others, or has their experience of anxiety diminished or dismissed by some snooty bystander (or friend, or parent, as the case may be). If we are truly concerned with motivating one another, we’d do well to start by extending a bit of understanding and acceptance – those gifts, in my experience, are the best catalysts to real and lasting change.

Using Shaming Language Because We Don’t Know How Else to Fix the Problem

I think people sometimes use shaming language when they don’t know how else to help. After all, helplessness is a very uncomfortable feeling, especially for a parent. Perhaps this is true in my brunch example: Maybe wambulance dad didn’t want to admit that he couldn’t pay for his son’s tuition, and felt powerless to help him. Maybe he felt panicked because he didn’t want his son to drop out of school. Maybe he views anxiety as a weakness, and fears for his son’s future if he isn’t “strong.” Maybe he just didn’t have any other tools, and didn’t know how else to respond.

What if dad had problem-solved with his kid instead? What if he’d said, “It sounds like you’re having a difficult time staying healthy, keeping your grades up, and working so much. You are doing alot, and I’m proud of you. Let’s see if we can come up with another solution here.” Perhaps the kids still would have kept all of his jobs after talking it through. Maybe he would have figured out how to earn more at a different job so he only needed to work one. Regardless, I believe he would have left the conversation feeling heard and validated, and far less stressed. I’m also certain he would have been likely to reach out to his dad for help again in the future, as opposed to never again, which I’m guessing is the likely outcome of the wambulance conversation.

Using Shaming Language Because We Want to Share Our Pain

It’s always fascinating to me when I hear adults describe their own historical experiences, label them as horrible, and then gleefully hoist the same experiences onto the next generation, ie the classic: “I walked ten miles to school in the snow and got pneumonia, so you should, too!”. Um, this generation doesn’t have to walk in the snow. They’ve got fancy schmancy buses now. And…isn’t not having to walk to school in the snow, and not getting pneumonia…a good thing?

I’m starting to hear this kind of language used among people of my generation as I move into my forties – bitterness about our own experiences of struggle, about achievements we haven’t reached but wanted, curated into snide remarks about the ease and naivete of young people these days. I think we lament that others may have it easier than we did because we don’t want to be alone in our misery; we want to spread our pain around. I don’t fault anyone for this – pain is hard to sit with. But perhaps we can aspire to something better than that – an appreciation that our pain has been contained, that we as humans are evolving and trying to create something better for one another. I hope so.

And so…

My heart goes out to the kid having brunch with his dad. I hope he has great friends that can offer him support and love as he figures out how to meet the demands of his current life situation. I hope he comes up with a viable solution to his problem and stops getting ill because he is stretching himself so thin.

My heart goes out to wambulance dad, too. I hope he can find some piece of self-compassion inside of himself to heal his shame. I hope that he can learn new ways of supporting his son. I hope that, someday, he can extend compassion and understanding out to those around him, and speak from a place of confidence and strength and love.

Originally posted on my blog, Common Humanity, at Psych Central.com. To read more, visit https://blogs.psychcentral.com/common-humanity/

faq's

Useful Information

Some frequently asked questions and useful answers.

Online therapy works in the same way as in-office therapy, but is done online, similar to a Skype or FaceTime conversation. Clients are able to have sessions from home, work, or any other convenient location. We meet with clients using a HIPAA-compliant secure platform.

Online therapy allows you to work with us from the comfort of home, or any private location of your choosing. For some, the screen provides an added layer of comfort that makes the challenging work of being vulnerable in therapy a little easier.

Online therapy also creates the unique opportunity for you to work with us without the constraints of proximity! The practice was born in Keene, New Hampshire, but has since grown to service clients anywhere in Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Vermont, New Jersey, Florida, and New Hampshire.

Online therapy is a great option for clients that travel for work, for college students that go home during the summertime and do not want a break in their sessions, and for anyone with a challenging or inconsistent day-to-day schedule. It is an excellent choice for clients seeking a therapist with a particular specialty that they are unable to find support for locally. Some of our clients report that online therapy makes the vulnerability element of therapy a bit less intimidating.

No. For some clients with more complex symptoms or safety concerns, having a local therapist that is readily available is important in case of crisis or the need for a higher level of care. Online therapy is also a challenge for clients that do not have access to a private, quiet space to be “in session” for the hour, or for those that do not have adequate internet connectivity.

There are several reasons why we don’t accept insurance. The most important are:

Confidentiality. Insurance companies require that your information be shared with them in order to pay for services. We prefer that clients’ information is kept as confidential as possible.

The pressure to diagnose. Insurance companies require that clients are given a mental health diagnosis in order to pay for therapy. We have found that many clients benefit from therapy, but do not meet criteria for a diagnosis. Not using insurance allows clients to access therapy without being given a mental health diagnosis.

Flexibility and freedom. Insurance companies dictate the length and number of sessions they will authorize, as well as when a client is no longer eligible for the benefits of therapy. Because we do not work with insurance panels, you and we can collaborate to determine your individual needs regarding session length, frequency of sessions, and when to terminate therapy.

While we do not accept insurance, many clients choose to submit receipts to their insurance companies to receive reimbursement via out-of-network benefits. We are happy to provide these receipts for you! Please check with your insurance company for details on your benefits.

testimonials

Feedback

Read some of our latest testimonials to see why others put their trust in us.

Ready To Get Started?

Get the support you need from anywhere with online therapy.

Enter your email address for special offers, new services, resources and the latest blog posts right to your inbox.